Hi all. I've been a very busy girl lately. I started a new job, it's okay. Idk. I've been kinda depressed lately. Like sleep for 13 hours a day level of depressed. There's still a lot going on in my life, it probably won't stop for a while, and I just kinda want to fade into the background again. I feel bad for all the promises I've made to some people but I've reached my point. I just want to stay in bed all day everyday. It's hard for me to get up. I've been putting on a great facade, at least I think I do, but it's so hard sometimes. I feel worthless. A waste of space. I'm not happy, and I do not find joy in anything. My days are the same- get up after the tenth alarm, go to work, feel ostracized and taken advantage of for six hours, go home, go somewhere else and have the same conversations with the same people. I'm just so fed up with it. Maldaptive daydreaming and what not. I don't even know if I'm even doing that anymore though. Most of the time, I don't think about anything. It's just blank up there. That or I'm thinking about not thinking. Idk. I'm just numb. I hope my next entry is perkier. We'll see.
I'm going through changes. Taking a break from things. There's a lot going on and I'd rather focus on those I love than chasing something I'll never obtain.
I'm sitting at my dad's house right now. I had to do laundry. I usually do it at either of my parents' places. I don't want to risk damaging the communal machines at my place, they're already falling apart. I bleached my hair while here too. I don't want to damage the rusty bronze pipes at my place. It's been a busy week. Work and vending and running around with no head. I took Thom to jury duty yesterday. He snuck into the cop break room to play the mortal combat cabinet that they had there for some reason, but they let him get out early, so there's that. It was perfect timing, too. We had to pick up our stuff from our friends' bookstore. LostWorld. They're closing. It's sad. This area is so depressing. Beach Records is also closing. I feel like every March I have to say goodbye to something. A chapter ends as soon as it's time to celebrate my birth. I never feel like celebrating. It's a day of mourning what has come to pass and planning what will be next. The ultimate pisces-aries dichotomy. On to the next story. I hope yall have a great day. I might write more later or maybe not. We'll see. I'm gonna steal stuff from my dad's garden now. It has now been a few hours or so. I dyed my hair purple and pink. I've missed the unnatural colors I would always have. I've been struggling financially for a while so I never worked up the courage to drop $50 on shit for it. Today was the day I said "fuck it." I'll make the money back anyway. I hope. Oh well. I just have to stay afloat with maybe my mouth above the water for a year and a half. It's a full moon tonight. Ambulances are everywhere. Lunar eclispe overnight. I'm curious as to what's to come. Maybe a little nervous. It should be fine. I tend to survive most days.
I saw my grandma today. It was nice. We met at a cafe my friends recommended me. The drinks were pretty good, decent prices. Lately, I spend most of my time laying in bed. I want to be in a sensory deprivation chamber. I don't want to feel anything. Just floating in the salt water in the dark. I used to swim a lot. It calmed my mind. I hate that the beaches here are so toxic and polluted. Maybe I'll convice Thom to take a day to go to the east coast. To feel actual waves crash up against my torso.
It's very hard to get ahead. It's crushing me. I've always lived in poverty but it's hard right now. I make enough to just pay my bills, but not enough to save or have fun. I've been looking into getting another job to balance it out but the only jobs available just don't seem worth it. They would either require me to get in early as FUCK and take days off my other job or deal with alchohol and drunk people. Idk. I just need something relatively chill. My time off consists of me staring at walls and thinking about how currently I have $1.79 to my name, and in three weeks I'll be overdrafted. But it's okay. Thom says he won't let anything happen to me. It may be rough. My anxiety may be in overdrive, and I may not know what's going to happen or what I'm doing with my life. But I'll never have to relive the threat of homelessness again. He won't allow it. Anyways. I'm seeing my grandma tomorrow. I see her more often now since she moved to Illinois. She comes down a lot for doctor appointments. I'll probably cry on my way home. I get emotional seeing her, I never know which way her health updates will go. She seems smaller each time I see her. I need to go back to Illinois. The cornfields are calling out to me. Maybe in the summer. Maybe for my honeymoon.
I'm sitting out front of the kava bar right now. I'm listening to a child cry out about how she wants to go home. Her mom is yelling about how she's being a brat. The dad isn't talking to anyone, just scrolling on his phone pretending he doesn't hear her. It's making me tear up. I get it. I think we've all been that little girl at one point. I think I'm going to start my period soon. It's only been eleven days since my last one, but the time between each gets shorter and shorter. The kratom subreddit blames my vices. More reason to quit. Now there's people yelling on the other side of the plaza. I think a fight will break out. Whatever. I'm scared to quit my pseudo-opiate. I remember when I stopped drinking it for maybe four months. The cops are here now. I went inside. The anhedonia was bad, but maybe it's because I started drinking again then. The constant routine of it all. I won't start drinking again, I've been sober for over a year. I want to be straight-edge. I don't want to smoke anymore. I don't want to drink kratom anymore. I don't want to have these habits. One day I won't. But it really depends on when I wake up in the morning and say 'fuck it.' That goes for a lot of things, too. One day, I'll say 'fuck it' and quit my job. I hate the way people look at me sometimes, or the way people pretend to not recognize me. "You know cuz of the mask lol." I don't really know, actually. My eyes don't magically transform, nor does my voice. The way people say it is like they're begging me to feel bad about their lack of individuality and need to conform, they want me to feel bad enough for them so I just take it off. I don't really care. The first time I got COVID, I was on my deathbed. And the last time I got it, pieces of my soul died. I don't want to get that way again. I don't really care that people I've known for years forgot my name overnight. I just want to say 'fuck it' and just cut those parts of my life and past out. The future is uncertain, I don't want to work for someone who uses me and my coworkers as SIMS to let out his own frustrations with his day job. I don't want to dread the next time I have to wake up because I won't be able to rest. I just want to be able to enjoy what I do. Whatever. Idk.
I figured I'd start keeping a digital journal. Why not? My birthday is in exactly one month. I always get weird this time of year, though I always get some way every part of the year. But March is different. I fear aging. I fear what time will bring. I always rationalize my thoughts to the point I get tied up in the nerves. It's annoying. I just want to get to the point where I don't fear my thoughts. It's dark. But there is light in the darkness. I love my fiance and I'm eager to be officially married to him. He keeps me grounded and in check in a way I've never allowed from others. He actually knows and understands my soul. He reads my mind. I wish he didn't sometimes. It breaks my heart when he blames himself or if he doesn't know what to do. I want to wrap him up in my arms and never let go. He wishes to protect me from everything, but it does go both ways. I must protect him, too. He's perfect, but I am flawed. I used to be worse, drifting from place to place with a gloss to my eye. I've improved a lot in two years. I still have a lot to work on. I'm trying to be kinder with myself. More patient. Some days and some weeks it's rough. I just keep trying. I won't stop trying despite it all.